ScreenwriterGuy’s Top 10 Worst Cliché Lines of Dialogue
November 25th, 2006 by screenwriterguy
With this posting I make a promise to you and to myself that the following lines shall never make their way into my writing. I’m not targeting clichés like, “What seems to be the problem, officer?” because people overuse them in real life as much as they do in movies and TV. Instead, the below phrases not only get tossed into screenplays with alarming frequency, they just aren’t how people talk.
| #10 | “Is that all you got?” / “Is that the best you can do?” For some reason, if a hero (especially a superhero) finally gets into a fight with the Big Bad of their story, the two must taunt each other for a while early on in their battle. So if your opponent has dealt you a weak blow, the most logical response is verbal antagonism? Hell no. It’s to attack back as hard and quickly as possible. Notice also that the answer to, “Is that the best you can do?” is always something equally lame like, “I’m just getting warmed up.” See it’s, another brilliant strategy our combatant has used. See, I thought I’d start with something less than full power, just to see if I would really need to TRY in order to defeat you. |
| #9 | “She’s standing right behind me, isn’t she?” The moment you give a long diatribe about another character or, better still, do an impersonation of that character, she’ll walk up behind you with pursed lips and hands on hips. And say nothing. |
| #8 | “Yeah. A little TOO quiet.” Always followed very quickly by things getting unquiet. |
| #7 | “Now… where were we?” Two people are making out. Something interrupts. The pair deal with the interruption and can finally return to their primary goal. And then it’s always, “Now… where were we?” What, you don’t remember? OK, I get it’s a rhetorical question, but come on. Just shut up and go back to getting busy. |
| #6 | “But So-and-so lives on, as long as we remember him in our hearts.” / “So-and-so lives here [point to head] and he lives here [point to heart.]” I can’t ever imagine consoling someone like this. |
| #5 | “What part of _____________ don’t you understand?” Here’s a line that has just exploded in its overuse within the last five years. So it gets liberally sprinkled into scripts anywhere a joke ought to go. Oh, I get it. You’re sassy. (Note: I could imagine using this line if it were working against its very cliché nature. For example, I think it would be hilarious to have a techie character speak something like, “What part of redundant quantum harmonic oscillators didn’t you understand?”) |
| #4 | The “I’m not leaving you!”-“You have to go on without me!” exchange Sigh. |
| #3 | “I always wanted to say that!” How marvelous. It’s a meta-cliché! It’s a cliché that one can only use after first using another cliche! A character gives an enthusiastic “Full-steam ahead!” or “Stop the Presses!” or “Follow that cab!” His friend looks at him funny for using the cliché. He follows with, “I always wanted to say that.” First of all, no, you haven’t always wanted to say that. And secondly, if you really had always wanted to say it, then you would just say it. Nothing’s stopping you. You could say it all the time, right up until you didn’t feel like saying it any more, at which point it would once again be true that no, you aren’t going around really wishing you could say it. Dropping insta-jokes like this into a script does not a comedy make. |
| #2 | “If my calculations are correct…” / “According to my calculations…” I suppose part of my problem with this tripe dialogue is that it’s almost never delivered by someone who actually did any calculations. Worse, the kind of characters who say, “if my calculations are correct…” are inevitably superbrains whose calculations are NEVER incorrect. Just once, I’d like to see the professor/wizard/engineer do his thing and have it turn out wrong. You know. “If my calculations are correct, we should be—Oh, snap! I forgot to carry the four! Oh, see, now, yeah… that’s going to make our rocket head straight into the sun. My bad, everybody.” |
| #1 | “Don’t you die on me!” Can’t you just smell the dramatic tension? While desperately administering CPR, or covering a gunshot with one’s palms, our hero shouts in anguish, “Don’t you die on me!” Maybe there’s a pounding of the fist on the victim’s chest, even. Mmm… that’s good drama. Am I wrong in believing that no doctor, paramedic, or soldier has ever uttered this phrase? Were I in such a situation, I could imagine perhaps, “Oh, God, please don’t die. Please, please, please don’t die.” But instead, this hackneyed utterance implies that the the dying person does so almost as a personal affront. Say nothing of the fact that as far as dramatic conflict in a scene goes, you can’t expect much when one end of the conversation is, well, near death. Bleck. corollary Every once in a while a writer delves into an even deeper level of hackishness. That’s right. There’s always, “Don’t you die on me! Not now!” What I find so delightfully cringe-inducing about this particular flavor of the cliché is that implies that the victim shouldn’t die on the protagonist NOW. On the other hand, if the victim wants to die on him, LATER… |
| Honorable Mention |
“Is that clear?” “Crystal.” This one was great, ONCE, in A Few Good Men. Everyone else, you’re copy cats. “Did I just say that out loud?” |
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Posted in Top-Ten Lists | 38 Comments »
Nov 29th 2006 at 10:59 am
Excellent list.
Jun 7th 2007 at 10:57 pm
OK, great list, I got a couple… I write fiction rather than screenplay but I’m seen a s*hitload. Complete movie/TV geek (of quality stuff, anyway).
1. “If I get bitten and turn into one of those…those things…I want you to promise me something. Kill me.”
In a vampire or zombie movie as they hand over a gun/stake/etc. to the other character who will, if you are lucky, pause and then grimly accept it and nod. Once in a while they’ll have a clever response, such as the other character sees where they are going halfway through and say, “Oh, you can bet your ass I will” Other annoying cliche responses include:
•”But…you’re my best friend/husband/Dad! How can you ask me! I don’t think I have it in me to…”(etc)
•”Only if you swear to do the same for me.” (pause before they respond and agree…”Done.”
•Person who asked is attached and starts to ‘turn’ starts to yell, “AAAG! DO IT! KILL ME! HURRY! YOU PROMISED! NOW!!” and then one of two things can happen:
• someone waits too long and they ‘turn’ and rip their throat out as they are still fumbling with the weapon
• Person who handed them gun is out of action for a few minutes when all hell breaks loose, then suddenly, turned, LUNGES from behind at character they asked to kill them, then a couple other cliches can happen-
a. they wrestle them off and manage to kill them (whispering something like, “I’m so sorry, bro” or “I know you woulda done the same for me”) blows smoke of the barrel and resumes kicking ass or
b. They do it and are immediately jumped by about 3 more monsters and ripped apart
c. They chicken out and wait too long, the person turns, and knocks the weapon out of their hand and bites/infects THEM.
OK, saving the rest for my Zombie Movie Cliche Drinking Game Page! (No, I actually don’t have too much time on my own, I just REALLY wanna make one)
-DD
Jun 10th 2007 at 2:52 am
More Honorable Mentions:
a variation of “It’s what I do”; “It’s what I was born to do” or “It’s all I ever known”.
“Don’t you read the paper?”
“Are you against [me/us] or with [me/us]?”
Aug 30th 2007 at 8:47 pm
honorable mention (and i am guilty of this in a current script):
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
Sep 26th 2007 at 7:40 am
1. “[Fill-in-the-blank] we have a problem.”
2. “Oh no you di’nt!”
3. “You had me at [fill-in-the-blank].”
Sep 29th 2007 at 12:17 pm
I’m getting tired of “I just threw up in my mouth a little.” I believe that was an improvised line in Dodgeball that has been getting severely overused everywhere else lately, and it make me feel like writers are cheating every time I hear it.
Mar 15th 2008 at 10:26 pm
Another line said since the beginning of time…
“I have a bad feeling about this.”
Apr 29th 2008 at 11:30 am
How about the “don’t die on me” variant, or addendum “Not on my watch”?
Or the one that irks me beyond description, used by fictional characters as well as non-fiction heroes, victims, and random do-gooders on the evening news and talk show couches: “If we can _____ just one person, then it will be all worth it” OR “_______ will have not _______ in vain.”
Great list. You are my hero. I’ve always wanted to say that.
May 17th 2008 at 9:36 pm
After walloping her nemesis, the “spunky girl” says:
“That felt good.”
May 25th 2008 at 8:45 pm
Cliched lines of villain dialogue:
The villain, finally fed up with the band of plucky heroes, turns to a minion or group of minions and says, dramatically, “Kill them all.”
The villain, face-to-face with the hero, says “Are we really so different, you and I?” Or worse, “Join me!”
Jun 27th 2008 at 2:00 pm
I’ll show you a cliche line of dialogue…
Aug 26th 2008 at 10:42 pm
that’s not my dream mom/dad…it’s yours.
LMAOOO
Sep 13th 2008 at 3:03 pm
“(Something’s) my middle name.”
Nov 25th 2008 at 1:13 pm
“_____ do this.” Usually, when one hero convinces the other it’s time to get the job done, set off on the mission, attack the bad guy, he says “Let’s do this”. What’s this, anyway?
The variant is the self-esteem coaching: “You can do this”.
How about “Let’s go” or “Let’s go get ‘em” even. Or “You can do it”, which is what normal humans say.
Nov 28th 2008 at 8:17 am
Thank you for this – I started Twittering some of the offenders that piss me off the most, and wouldn’t you know it – “Don’t you die on me!” was the top of my list too.
Dec 14th 2008 at 10:15 pm
@screenwriterguy – It’s been around since before Dodgeball. I remember hearing it in an episode of Friends maybe a decade ago.
Dec 27th 2008 at 9:05 pm
I can’t BELIEVE you guys have missed out:
‘What do you WANT from me!?’
Uttered in pretty much every ghost film ever made.
Dec 27th 2008 at 9:38 pm
‘Are you thinking what I’m thinking?’
‘Don’t you ever wonder if there’s something more, out there?’
‘Don’t worry about me!’
Dec 30th 2008 at 3:31 pm
Also, any time praying is depicted, it begins with “Lord, I know you and I haven’t been on the best of terms…” or “I know it’s been a long time since you’ve heard from me.” That one’s starting to bug me.
Jan 26th 2009 at 4:30 am
Our protagonist messes up in their effort to impress the love interest. Then: “I can’t believe I did that. Can we start over? Hi, I’m _________”
And then they shake hands. Who does that? Answer: nobody!
Jan 27th 2009 at 7:11 pm
Something has happened that looks and feels strange. The main character will mutter, “Looks like we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
The guy will be eating something, pause, look at the camera and say those magic words, “Mmm, tastes like chicken.”
The scientist, teacher, doctor, etc. will be doing something or demonstrating something. He’ll stop and say, “Now kids, don’t try this at home.”
A character integral to the story gets mortally wounded. His head is cradled in the cop’s , super hero’s, or detective’s hands and he dying. “Who was it / where is the formula!”
The character coughs a few times and tries to get the words out.
“It was . . . it was . . . .”
Slap– “Tell me!”
“I think it’s in the . . . .” Then the person slips away and the hero slowly and gently lets the guy’s head down.
Jan 28th 2009 at 10:11 am
There’s a fight or scuffle between the villain and the hero. One of them has a sword, knife, or gun. During the fight, you hear the bang of the gun. Both look shocked, or one of them gasps. Sure enough, the villain backs away.
This is when the blood stain suddenly expands, just as the villain looks at it. “You . . . shot / stabbed me.”
Frequently it’s also a bystander that gets it, and you know the outcome.
———————————-
During a tense scene, the scantily clad young lady is walking through the darkend hallway, even though the house still has power. The music stops, she sees something, it’s– it’s–, just a doll. She turns around and a cat jumps off the bed and the girl screams– oh, just the cat.
Jan 29th 2009 at 6:59 am
One more: This is a recurring theme in African-American oriented shows or sit-coms. There’s a knock at the door, a family memember answers it. Standing in the door way is a black guy the size of a house. He’s a long lost friend or relative.
As the show’s plot unfolds, it’s clear we see this huge man is:
Emotionally immature.
Aggressive in nature.
Eats the family out of house and home.
Expects to be waited on hand and foot.
Threatens said family members when comments are made about moving on or getting a job.
Jan 29th 2009 at 8:53 am
Just witnessed this again while watching a comedy last night:
Two rival characters finally come to a rest, after having come to blows and demolishing all in their wake. An authoritative figure enters and finally comes to the conclusion that the rivalry has escalated too far. Sitting side-by-side, the rivals sheepishly look ahead, pause, then simultaneously point at each other and emphatically plead – “HE STARTED IT!”.
Jan 29th 2009 at 4:51 pm
Even your corollary to number five is a cliche. Maybe it wasn’t when you posted this in 2006.
Jan 29th 2009 at 5:24 pm
Yep, I’ve seen it used that way a couple of times since then myself. Every time I do, I take credit for writing it, and can only assume that the authors are all regular readers of screenwriterguy.com.
Feb 7th 2009 at 11:10 pm
The most annoying has to be…
“Really, What’s the worst that could happen?”
The worst that could happen is for you to say that line EVER again.
Feb 8th 2009 at 10:12 pm
“How’s that working out for you?”
“I need you to be there for me.”
Feb 18th 2009 at 9:17 am
“I’m going to hell.”
Feb 22nd 2009 at 1:21 am
“its not like things could get any…
*thunder and lighting simultaneously strike and it starts to piss down with rain*
…worse.”
oooooooo it gets me every time.
Feb 22nd 2009 at 8:11 am
Following a bunch of techno-speak:
“Ummm… you want to say that again? In ENGLISH?”
Apr 26th 2009 at 10:34 am
#2 “….tripe dialogue…” Very inventive! I immediately laughed at that. Now, is that Tripes à la mode de Caen or Trippa alla Romana? I know…I’m thinking how tasty steaming cow’s stomach with vanilla (Caen) ice cream must be too.
Jul 8th 2009 at 5:58 pm
i can’t believe you left out the biggest tv/movie cliche of all time … “We gotta get out of here – and fast!”
Oct 15th 2009 at 4:47 pm
As my wife likes to say before we tackle a Saturday full of errands and chores:
“Let’s do this thing”.
Nov 4th 2009 at 9:54 am
Lest we forget the one I with which I lipsynch in practically every action movie, when the heroes are aware of their pursuers:
“We got company!”
God, I hate that line.
Second only to the police arriving on the scene, asking the person in charge:
“What do we got?”
Hate that too. Who talks like that?
Jan 28th 2010 at 12:00 am
“good luck with that.”
and, aptly, “shoot me.”
Feb 20th 2010 at 2:17 am
Said by a frustrated Sarge to an unorthodox detective who plays by his own rules:
“The commissioner’s on my ass…I’m taking you off the case”
Said by a frustrated Judge to an unorthodox lawyer with an unusual line of questioning:
“Counsellor you are trying my patience – it’s only out of morbid curiosity that I’m letting you continue – get to the point!”
Mar 5th 2010 at 11:14 pm
“Didn’t see that coming”