a comedy monologue for women
June 6th, 2007 by screenwriterguy
 I was talking the other day to a woman I want to involve in my online sketch comedy troupe. She was the talent in a short exercise we shot a few weeks ago, and she was both very skilled and great to work with, so I’d love to involve her as much as possible. I explained that the next step in the group-building plan is a big group audition, where we would all do writing exercises and improv together, and I’d ask each person who wanted to focus on acting to perform a short monologue.
Strangely, she panicked a little. She was completely interested in participating, but she wanted me to understand that her monologue might not be very good.I was confused. The short we had shot together was essentially a monologue. She hadn’t had the tiniest problem with memorization, and she has some real comedy chops. So what was the problem? She can never find a good comedy monologue. Ahhh… That makes more sense. I’ve heard this complaint before. There are many, many choices for a man to show of his comedic timing, but it’s much tougher for a woman. It had always been my understanding that an actor’s audition monologues were supposed to be from plays that had been produced and would be recognizable, but she felt it was far more important to have a funny piece that could show off the actor. Makes sense. So, after reassuring her that she wasn’t going to ruin her standing with me through her monologue, I offered to write her something she could use. (Not so much for our audition, but in general.) I explained that I have made the offer to many actors that if they told me what kind of character they want to play, I would write them something to show them off. No one ever takes me up on it. Easier to complain, I guess. And after all, coming up with ideas is the writer’s job, not the actor’s. |
Well, she DID call me on it. She said, “superhero or spy.” So I had to deliver. I’m going to post it below, just in case there are any other women out there casting about for a comedic female monologue who might google their way here and find it useful.
(Let me state quickly that I retain the copyright to this and all writing published on this web site. There. Now if anyone steals it and turns it into a blockbuster movie, I can sue for PUNITIVE damages, too. Woohoo! Anyway, I grant permission to anyone who wants to use it, for the purposes of an audition only. I would only ask that you leave a comment below, letting us know how it went.)
| Steve. By now you hevv probably realize that I emm leavink you. I leave for you this tape, because I don’t vant you theenk you deed somethink wronk, or that romance vas fadink for me, or anythink like that. I also don’t vant you think I emm like other Russian internet brides, who marry pathetic rich American and leave him. No. Only reason I emm leavink you, darlink, is because I hevv gathered all intelligence ve need, and henndlers are recallink me to my country. I realize, this probably comes as bit of shock, given our eight years of merriage. I emm dedicated professional, Steve.
Surely, you must hevv suspected somethink. Did you really think voman sexy and talented as me ends up vith dumpy nerd-man like you? Such a think is against natural law. You honestly think I vas likink your model trains? Oh, sveetie… no. No vun is interested in model trains. I know vhat you’re thinkink, right? Jim and Brenda vould come over, and they vould play vith model trains for hours, no? Vell, Jim and Brenda vork for my government, too. Sorry. As long as I emm comink clean, (suddenly drops accent) I speak perfect English. Oh, and I’m not Russian. They haven’t been spying on you for years. No, I work for the Norwegians. We have a far more extensive intelligence network. I’m taking Sam and Julie and the baby with me. Sorry about that, but since they have my genes, they are technically considered a government secret. But don’t worry, sweetie. They are almost guaranteed brilliant futures with the Norwegian Intelligence Agency. Well, I’m off. I’ll always care for you, in my way, but of course I gave my heart long ago to the service of his majesty King Harald. Oh! Honey, I still have a lot of hiding spots around the house. I removed all the microfilm and computer disks, but I didn’t have time to deactivate the booby traps. Maybe don’t reach into anything… or, like, open… On second thought, maybe you’d better just move. So, yeah, just wanted to say sorry about your whole life being a lie and everything. My bad. I’m sure you’ll find a nice girl and remarry. Maybe lower your expectations, you know, quite a bit. You’ll do fine. Adios. Thanks for all the government secrets. |
And if anyone else out there wants to take me up on the offer to write something for them, send an e-mail. I’ll create something for the first five people who reference this post.
EDIT: I posted another monologue here.
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Posted in Monologues | 31 Comments »
Jun 6th 2007 at 12:20 pm
Fugging hilarious dude. You really CAN write!!
Jun 10th 2007 at 12:16 am
clever stuff!
Jun 14th 2007 at 10:17 am
I cant believe you wrote “My Bad” ! I hate that expression and i am pretty sure you do too!!
Jun 14th 2007 at 11:22 am
Actually I think it is funniest if it ends after the word Norwegians. The rest sorta just lagged on…
Jun 14th 2007 at 11:49 am
Sure, I hate “my bad.” I guess I shouldn’t have used it in the monologue.
My bad.
Heh heh. Personally, I like the ending because after she completely wrecks him she pretty much says, “Oops.” She sorta pours salt in his wounds. Different things are funny to different people, of course. [shrug]
Jun 27th 2007 at 2:21 am
I did this for my freshman theatre final. Ahah.. High school freshman, believe it or not. I had to improvise on a few parts ( because I slacked off and had to memorize it in two days ¬_¬ ) – But the class found it hilarious. So thanks!
For the record, the model trains part was my favorite. I delivered it kind of dead-pan. It worked well.
Jun 27th 2007 at 5:00 am
Awesome. Thanks for the feedback, Yuliee, and I’m glad to hear it went well for you.
Sep 29th 2007 at 3:17 pm
I am in love with this monologue. And I want to use this for an audition, but we have to state the title and author. Please Help.
Sep 29th 2007 at 3:43 pm
Hi Holly,
Let’s pretend the title is “Dear Steve.” Good enough. Meanwhile, if you’d care to send me an e-mail via the CONTACT button at the top of my page, I’d be happy to reveal my Secret Identity.
Jan 18th 2008 at 1:50 pm
Hi! I know you’re technically on writer’s strike and all but I have an audition for this comedy show that entails a monologue this upcoming week (also late late notice, sorry!)
I loved your other two monologues but I was wondering if you would be able to write something tailor-made for me? By Monday or Tuesday?
If you could, we could discuss more about what character types would suit me via email. Thanks!
Mar 10th 2008 at 2:12 am
Hi, I have been surfing the net for a while now and have stumbled across these two monologues you have provided for woman. Thank you by the way. I was just recently in a production of Jesus Christ Superstar, which turned out to be extremely successful and had 7 sold out shows. I have suffered from stage fright all my life, that I started working on conquering about six years ago until now I finally mustered up the nerve to audition for JCS (I love musicals and couldn’t miss out) I was a soul sister and had the best time of my life.
My dilema is I have never done any other kind of theatre (Meaning script plas actually) and there is a Treasure Island Pantomime audition comming up soon. I Know the Director and I already know he likes me as a person but I am nervouse about auditioning for this. I asked him what to expect and he suggested he would preferr I do a monologue that is not from the play.
Do you think either of these two monologues you have provided would be sufficient or could you suggest something? I am 40 yrs old by the way but I am always mistaken for a woman in her late 20’s and people are always quite shocked at my age. I know I am starting out late by this is merely for personal fulfilment and enjoyment.
Thank you very much,
Sincerely,
Yvette Van Metre
Mar 10th 2008 at 1:51 pm
Yvette,
These monologues are probably suitable for most auditions, depending on the length of piece they want to see. And, as I mentioned, some people feel the proper etiquette is to use something from a published, produced play.
If I can offer my own experience from the other side of the table… The last thing we’re trying to do is intimidate or make you nervous. The first thing we’re looking for is someone with whom we can imagine spending all those hours it takes to put up a play or shoot a film or whatever. If you’re going to be annoying at every rehearsal, we don’t want you around, no matter how talented you may be. In your case, the director already knows and likes you, so you have a leg up. Secondly, we want someone who convinces us she’ll be good in the role. Frankly, we WANT you to get the part, just as much as you do, because it means we can finally stop worrying about it. So my best advice is to select a piece that you think will do a good job showing off that part of you that will make casting gatekeepers see you in the role. Show off your particular skills, make us laugh, or move us somehow, so that you stand out from the boring afternoon of hearing people do the same monologue over and over. (You’d be surprised how many repeats there are in an afternoon.)
My final word of advice would be to remember that there can be a million factors in a casting decision, some of which may not have anything to do with you. Maybe you’re perfect, but you don’t feel right with the person they’re casting as the leading man. Maybe the person who WOULD match well with you has a scheduling conflict, so they select a different pair entirely. Maybe you look too much like the producer’s recently estranged wife. I’m not kidding.
I was on a project where two women were the final choice for the leading role, and it was a complete, 100% tie for who would get it. But the assistant director’s name was Faith. The costume designer’s name was Hope. And one of the two potential leading ladies, no lie, was named Charity. So we broke the tie based on the NAME of the actor. (Incidentally, Charity turned the role down, so we went with Faith, Hope, and Melissa.)
Anyway, the point is that if you get the role, great, it’s all about how talented you are. If you don’t get the role, oh well, it probably had nothing to do with you. Keep auditioning and eventually things will line up your way.
Break a leg,
ScreenwriterGuy
May 19th 2008 at 12:41 pm
Hello, dear secret screenwriterguy!
I will absolutely have to complement you for you writings. And I guess I will have to apologize in advance for my not-so-fluent English. Anyways. I shouldn’t have started with an apology, that’s what they always say.
The thing is, I really liked the monologue. I too was browsing the internet in search for some suitable monologue for me. I am a Bulgarian student with some artistic ambitions (and hopefully some talent) and have recently discovered that I am pretty good with monologues (or at least my director says so…). So, I’d like to prepare one for a kind of Arts Fest here. I thought of using some of my own writings, but I am not that confident in them as to present them myself in front of an audience. Plus, I rarely write comic pieces.
So… since you have been so kind as to post such a proposal, I would say that I am quite interested in your writing
Thanks in advance for your kind reply,
Kris
Aug 31st 2008 at 9:05 am
hi
just wanted to commend you, these are 2 great monologues ive been searching for weeks for a comedy monologue and have been soooooo disappointed with what ive found, there really are no funny monologues for women.
they say comedy but they really are not funny. i came across your monologues and they are great!!!, unique, funny and different.
Please write some more……!! lol xxxxxxx
Sep 16th 2008 at 3:07 pm
Thanks for this monologue… I used this as a practice audition in a drama class that I’m taking. The room erupted in laughter, and it helped be a bit becuase I’m not used to comedy. Woot!
Sep 17th 2008 at 1:42 am
Oh please, please, would you write some more monologues?? It would make me so happy. You are a very talented comedy writer.
Sep 19th 2008 at 3:51 pm
Hey, this monologue is hilarious
i’m going to perform this for my year 10 major work in drama
i’ll tell you how it goes
p.s. you are an amazing writer, kepp it up. Also I found it so difficult to find a monologue on a russian accent, and this is exactly want i wanted, thank
Oct 3rd 2008 at 11:50 am
wow this will be perfect fo my monoluge audition thanks for letting me use it
Oct 24th 2008 at 10:53 am
Hello Steve,
Thanks for writing these. I only have one minute so I had to clip the monologue. As follows:
I need to state author and title. Can you help me with that, or should I make something up? 8 )
Thanks again, hope the cutting is OK with you.
Steve. By now you hevv probably realize that I emm leavink you. I leave for you this tape, because I don’t vant you theenk you deed somethink wronk, or that romance vas fadink for me.. I also don’t vant you think I emm like other Russian bride, who marry pathetic rich American for money. No. Only reason I emm leavink you, darlink, is because I hevv gathered all intelligence ve need, and henndlers are recallink me to my country. I emm dedicated professional, Steve, please understand. Surely, you must hevv suspected somethink. Did you really think voman sexy and talented as me ends up vith dumpy nerd-man like you? You honestly think I vas likink your model trains? Oh, sveetie… no. No vun is interested in model trains.
As long as I emm comink clean, (suddenly drops accent) I speak perfect English and I’m not Russian.
And Im sorry but im taking the baby with me. Sorry about that,Well, I’m off. I just wanted to say sorry about your whole life being a lie and everything. My bad. I’m sure you’ll find a nice girl and remarry. Just lower your expectations, by a lot. You’ll be fine. Adios.
Dec 10th 2008 at 4:51 pm
Hi
I used this to audition for Seussical the musical and I got the part that I wanted, Sour Kangaroo!! She is all attitude and sass and I can’t wait to tackle the role!
Thanks!
Dec 15th 2008 at 12:43 pm
@Shif – Congratulations!
Jan 24th 2009 at 7:16 pm
hey secret writer!!! i have to have a monologue prepared by Tuesday and am really interested in using this hilarious piece! would you send me a title and your name for author via email please!! thanx so much
-headdie
Jan 31st 2009 at 6:29 pm
Deear Meestur meesteeryours Arrteest, wiv fuwnee veesion. Pleece ree veel your nem and va tiytal too theece marvelooce blu preent of your vundearful talant.
I am more zan ready to pint da pichyur far yooo!!
(she drops the accent)
Yours Sincearley
Zee one and only Vicky Lorna xxx
Jan 31st 2009 at 7:55 pm
Lots of requests for name and title.
As far as title, call it what you like. “Dear Steve” will be fine, or whatever you invent.
As for my name, while I am mostly attempting to remain anonymous on this site, neither is my identity a secret.
Go to BrevityTV.com, click on “Team,” and look for the writer with the initials D & S. It’s pronounced ‘DEH-run SEH-dee.’
Feb 3rd 2009 at 7:37 am
I used this (with some adjustments for my age and whatnot) for a monolouge competition in Easton, MD and won second place…$100 to the local bar, lol! The judges loved it! I figured I’d never win with a dramatic monologue, what with all the talent in the competition, so I was stoked that my comedic turn scored second place! Thanks so very much!
Feb 14th 2009 at 6:06 am
I learned my monologue of “Dear Stevie” My tutor and the 2nd judge were in hysterics. I found this to be a monologue that was fun to learn and very entertaining. Learnink ze accsent vas vonderfol too! i completley enjoyed the whole journey!
My teacher said i need to deliver it to the whole class soon, as it was “The Best” Wehey!!!!!
So Thank you Mr Sedy, i take my hat off to you. xxxx
Vicky Lorna.
Mar 21st 2009 at 7:09 pm
Thanks! I will let you know when I land the role. do you ever do any comedy about the biz?
Mar 24th 2009 at 7:26 pm
Just wanted to let you know that I auditioned for an improvisational troupe on Saturday using “Dear Steve,” and the auditors LOVED it. I’ve been asked, along with 7 other actors, to join the improv troupe on a probationary status b/c we didn’t have a chance to work with the existing troupe during auditions and they want time with us before finalizing their troupe, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it will become a permanent position after spending some rehearsal time with them. Anyway, just wanted to thank you for this great piece—it’s fresh, it’s quirky, and if you’re not afraid to attempt the Russian accent–which is brilliantly written by the way, then I think your auditors will be very impressed. Thanks again!
Mar 24th 2009 at 8:05 pm
Becca, congrats on the prize. Next time I’m in Easton I’ll expect you to buy me a coffee.
Vicky, way to show up the rest of the class. Heh heh.
Tree, definitely write about the biz. Just spending much of my time trying to break INTO the biz… which ironically is keeping me from writing… Anyway, what did you have in mind?
Kathryn, thanks for the feedback, and good luck with the troupe.
Aug 21st 2009 at 7:56 pm
Since you asked to know:
I’m a college freshie using this to audition for Chekov’s Good Doctor, only I’m going to make a few modifications so that it’s a Dear Jane letter or something similar. All due credit will be give, and I will still site it as Dear Steve.
You are a genius for comedy.
Nov 17th 2009 at 1:36 pm
Dear Mr. Really Good Comedy Writer!
(I hope that made your day!)
I was looking for some good monologues for my high school daughter (16 y. old). She absolutely LIVES for theatre/drama/comedy and has designs on making it her lifelong career (via New York hopefully!). She is very intelligent, witty, attractive and petite, and has done very well in the productions she’s been in.
However, as a junior in high school, she has yet to land a leading role, which I think is frustrating her. There are other students with talent of course, but still she feels slighted.
I was hoping if you were were still interested in writing monologues for people, if you’d venture a try at writing one for her? She will be auditioning for “Noises Off” soon. (Her high school is just finishing their production of Sweeney Todd.)
If you can find it in your heart to do a comedic monologue for her (1 min.), that would be a wonderful surprise for her! I am going to show her “Dear Steve” as well (which I think is great), but if she had one just for her, I’m sure she’d love it!! As a mom who loves her so much, I’d l-o-v-e to see her land the big part she’s always wanted!!
Thanks much hope to hear from you soon!!