another comedic monologue for women
October 3rd, 2007 by screenwriterguy
 I was lucky enough to encounter a fun and challenging writing exercise this weekend. It started with my posting a few months ago of a comedy monologue for women. I mentioned that if anyone had a certain type of character they’d always wanted to play, then I’d be happy to write a monologue for the first five people who asked.
Well, a woman named Jenni had an audition coming up, and she contacted me asking if the five were used up. (They weren’t. In fact, there are still four left after this.) Jenni was going to audition for a musical comedy. She had her song picked out (nothing less than some JOURNEY, believe it or not…) and for some fool reason figured I’d be the writer to give her something to put her over the top. I asked what kind of character she always wanted to play, and Jenni’s response was… <drum roll…> A serial killer. |
Putting aside my worry over what that might foretell about Jenni’s psyche, I tried to tackle creating a monologue. I gotta say, it was really, really hard! First of all, you have to make someone who kills people come across as likeable. (The second season of Dexter premiered this weekend. That helped a little.) Then, it’s a twist that the killer is female–not the way we usually picture chain murderers. And once you’ve created a likeable murderess, you must make the whole thing funny!
I gotta tell you, dark is not my style. But, I did my best, and I hope Jenni’s audition went well. Meanwhile, I’ll post the monologue below. As with the first one, anyone is welcome to use it, as long as she comes back to this blog entry and leaves a comment as to how her audition went.
| Camera on? You read– OK. So, um, my name is Jenni. Let’s see… Well, I enjoy sports… I’m a Virgo… I like men who are well dressed. That’s extreeeeemmmely important. If a guy’s a slob, he doesn’t have a chance, but I just melt for a suit and tie. And I like my men tall. Six feet tall, EXACTLY, as a matter of fact. I guess I’m a little OCD. <strained, nervous laughter>
Ummm, and then of course came Kevin and Manuel and Derek… They were practically exact repeats of my relationship with Trevor. That’s when they label you an actual serial killer, right around your fourth or fifth victim. Oh… did I not mention how my relationships ended? Yeah, usually after a few months dating a guy, if I don’t feel that spark, well, I have to end things. End… him. I probably should have put that out there at the beginning. Really, though, a girl has to look out for herself. There’s nothing worse than you you meet a great guy, and you think he’s just perfect, but soon enough you discover that he’s actually 5 foot eleven and seven-eights, or some bullshit! But, oh, then there was Jean-Pierre. Mmmm… Jean-Pierre. Exactly six feet, always in Armani. I so wanted things to work out between us. I tried to be good. I did. I’d make him breakfast, and I’d butcher the pets of any other girls who talked to him… My Jean-Pierre. Other than eventually ramming knitting needles into his larynx, I’d say I was a pretty good girlfriend. There was Steve, who worked at a Men’s Wearhouse, so he’d get a discount on suits, and he was six even. But this one time he wore sweat pants, so I had to break things off. You know… things he needed to live. And then of course there was my Danny. Oh, Danny, Danny, Danny. My Danny was so sweet. But he wasn’t as into Us as I was. Some guys don’t appreciate a thirtieth or fortieth voicemail in an afternoon. Oh, why didn’t you love me, Daddy? I mean… Danny. Anyway, that relationship didn’t end well. Well, you know. You were there, with the handcuffs and all. So… There’s your confession tape, detective. By the way… nice suit. How tall are you? |
Posted in My Writing |
Oct 3rd 2007 at 11:27 am
I just love this! I think that you did it really well and it did come off as something YOU would have written, eventhough the initial idea was started by Jenni!
Oct 9th 2007 at 9:19 am
Love your comedic monologues for women. Are you writing more?
Oct 10th 2007 at 12:17 am
I’m writing other stuff as well, of course, but if anyone gets in touch with a character request, I’ll try to do a monologue for him/her.
Oct 23rd 2007 at 9:26 pm
Well, here I am…the girl that sang Journey and did a funny monologue about a serial killer for her audition. You have to understand…the musical I was auditioning for was a comedy parody of dance movies (like Dirty Dancing, Lambada, etc.) so it was essential I bring something a little on the quirky side. And boy, was this it! I got a callback and though I didn’t score a roll…it turned out to be because they wanted to cast all ethnic girls (I’m whiter than milk fresh from the teat) but my audition was so great they wanted to see me back anyway. Can’t feel bad about that!
Since that audition, I’ve used the piece again but as a voiceover piece for a radio drama I was reading for. I’ve gotten nothing but positive feedback on it and will hear if I’ve been cast in it by next week. I’ll let you know how it goes!!!
Jan 1st 2008 at 5:25 am
I’m a senior in highschool and I auditioned for our spring comedy with a (cropped) version of this monologue (they wanted a one-minute monologue; I cut out Jean-Pierre and Steve and it was about one and a half minutes). It went pretty well - it seemed like it was more humorous than ha-ha laugh-out-loud funny, but they said it was a good monologue for me, and I got the female lead. Score.
Feb 18th 2008 at 8:47 am
Any new comedic monologues in the works?
Apr 29th 2008 at 11:16 am
You are awesome. As you may have discerned, I had a devil of a time finding a comedy monologue for a recent important audition.
If you ever feel the urge to write a minute or so for a 30-something soccer mom, funny sidekick/neighbor/best friend, or sarcastic divorcee, I’d be immeasurably grateful!
Wry, witty, self-deprecating. I’m thinking a less ethnic Rhoda. A softer, but still sarcastic, Janeane Garofalo. A real woman illustrating her situation with an anecdotal style. Or whatever leaps to mind. You know more about this stuff than I ever will!
Whaddaya think?
May 7th 2008 at 3:48 pm
This monologue is pure genius! As part of the final exam in my Theatre Arts I class, I have to memorize and perform either a three minute monologue or two one-and-a-half minute monolgoues.
I LOVE both of your comedy female monologues! In fact, I’m kind of stumped about which one to choose. It sounds as if this monologue might be long enough, but I’m not sure. Anyways, thanks for creating such brilliant monologues! It sounds like you’ve received superb feedback, so I’m pretty excited.
Again, thanks!
May 9th 2008 at 6:41 am
Amy,
I have it on good faith that said audition turned out just fine for you.
Will take on your suggestion. Just… not soon.
May 25th 2008 at 7:19 pm
Hi there screenwriterguy,
I am directing a variety show in Margaret River, Western Australia in which as the name suggests, we blend many an artform - from clowning, dancing, serious dramatic pieces and a couple of monologues. In the process of looking for a sassy, clever, funny comic monologue for an amazing actress in our troupe, I came to realise that they pretty much don’t exist. Until I came across this one which is all of those things and as funny as hell when you see it performed. First of all, please may we have permission to perform it? I know you’ve said it’s okay but just checking. Secondly, please let me know how you would like to appear in our programme, (as in, just screenwriterguy?) basing the second question of course on the assumption that you say yes to the first one.
Just to let you know, we modified the last line slightly, instead of it being a confession tape, it’s the recording of a dating agency video so the last line is now ‘So, thank you for that, Compatible Companions Camera man. By the way, nice suit, how tall are you?’ Gave a darker edge to the script, and made the lines about murder just that little bit more psycho which we all like. Will let you know of any recordings of the show. Thanks!
Nicky