Whatever your politics, few would accuse FOX news of actual journalism.  (Nor, any more, does MSNBC deserve the right to the word “news.”) Kudos to them, I guess, for being entertaining/”informative” enough to maintain eyeballs and make a buck.

But, man… The above theatrics from last week features the standard untruthful and inflammatory nature: “operate in a manner opposing my philosophy” I guess is the new definition of “disenfranchise.”  Yet amidst the bloviating, what really offends my sensibilities is Beck’s horrible “comedic” style.  (Sorry to use so many quotation marks, but this issue seems to beg them.  Am I wrong?  He thinks he’s funny, right?)

Here then, some advice to Mr. Beck from a comedy writer:

• If you’ve only got one joke, you don’t milk it a half a dozen times.  You get in and get out.  Or, ideally, you write some more jokes.  Your sarcasm about Cuba was the best writing.  Notice, no gas can.
• Don’t tip your hand and spoil your illusion.  I guess if you need to remind us it’s only water, for lawyers’ sake, then fine, have the little cartoon happen.  But lose the big white sign reading, ‘water’ from the canister.  It’s redundant.  Either way, you’re removing the steam from your gag; getting matches became pointless.
• Instead, douse your poor chump once at the beginning, really well, as you list offenses.  Get all the comedy from that moment possible, all at once.  THEN, spend the rest of your rant waving around a barbecue lighter as the chump cringes in fear that you’ll oafishly get close enough to ignite him.  See how much funnier that is already?  Plus, you drive home your point of carelessness in government.  THEN remind us it was only water, AFTER the whole gag is over.
• Don’t confuse your metaphor.  Is the chump uncomfortable because it’s gasoline, or because it’s cold?
• “We can disagree on policies… but some of us don’t agree on the policies.”  Huh?
• Really?  Slavery?
• Your landing needs work.  Calling for “and end to the games” doesn’t make sense, y’know… in the middle of a game.  Try a callback to your earlier gag, such as finally actually lighting your chump on fire.  You calm down, the threat of ignition is over, the chump exhales his relief but then you accidentally light him on fire.  Now, as he runs screaming in pain via whatever comedic special effect you’d like, or offscreen with sound effects, you drive home your point that this is how much Obama cares about the average American.

See?  Fixing the comedy even stengthened your thesis.  Should you need any help, Mr. Beck, I hire out as a consultant.  To anyone.  (Although in full disclosure, you I would charge extra.)