Comedy monologue for women (20s – 50s): Serial Killer
I was lucky enough to encounter a fun and challenging writing exercise this weekend. It started with my posting a few months ago of a comedy monologue for women. I mentioned that I would be happy to monologues for interested actors. Well, a woman named Jenni was going to audition for a musical comedy. She had her song picked out (nothing less than some JOURNEY, believe it or not…) and for some fool reason figured I’d be the writer to give her something to put her over the top. I asked what kind of character she always wanted to play, and Jenni’s response was… <drum roll…> A serial killer.
Putting aside my worry over what that might foretell about Jenni’s psyche, I tried to tackle creating a monologue. I gotta say, it was really, really hard! First of all, you have to make someone who kills people come across as likeable. (The second season of Dexter premiered this weekend. That helped a little.) Then, it’s a twist that the killer is female–not the way we usually picture chain murderers. And once you’ve created a likeable murderess, you must make the whole thing funny!
I gotta tell you, dark is not my style. But, I did my best, and I hope Jenni’s audition went well. Meanwhile, I’ll post the monologue below. As with the first one, anyone is welcome to use it, as long as she comes back to this blog entry and leaves a comment as to how her audition went.
Camera on? You read– OK. So, um, my name is Jenni. Let’s see… Well, I enjoy sports… I’m a Virgo… I like men who are well dressed. That’s extreeeeemmmely important. If a guy’s a slob, he doesn’t have a chance, but I just melt for a suit and tie. And I like my men tall. Six feet tall, EXACTLY, as a matter of fact. I guess I’m a little OCD. <strained, nervous laughter>
I’ve haven’t had much luck with dating… Gosh, my first boyfriend, was just the love of my life, Trevor. He was six feet, which I like. <embarrassed smile of pleasure at the thought> And he was a stock broker, so that meant suits to work every day. And… this might sound weird, but he sorta smelled like my father. Is that weird? Is that weird that I like that? Anyway, things didn’t work out… Obviously! No ring on this finger!
Ummm, and then of course came Kevin and Manuel and Derek… They were practically exact repeats of my relationship with Trevor. That’s when they label you an actual serial killer, right around your fourth or fifth victim. Oh… did I not mention how my relationships ended? Yeah, usually after a few months dating a guy, if I don’t feel that spark, well, I have to end things. End… him. I probably should have put that out there at the beginning. Really, though, a girl has to look out for herself. There’s nothing worse than you you meet a great guy, and you think he’s just perfect, but soon enough you discover that he’s actually 5 foot eleven and seven-eights, or some bullshit!
But, oh, then there was Jean-Pierre. Mmmm… Jean-Pierre. Exactly six feet, always in Armani. I so wanted things to work out between us. I tried to be good. I did. I’d make him breakfast, and I’d butcher the pets of any other girls who talked to him… My Jean-Pierre. Other than eventually ramming knitting needles into his larynx, I’d say I was a pretty good girlfriend.
There was Steve, who worked at a Men’s Wearhouse, so he’d get a discount on suits, and he was six even. But this one time he wore sweat pants, so I had to break things off. You know… things he needed to live.
And then of course there was my Danny. Oh, Danny, Danny, Danny. My Danny was so sweet. But he wasn’t as into Us as I was. Some guys don’t appreciate a thirtieth or fortieth voicemail in an afternoon. Oh, why didn’t you love me, Daddy? I mean… Danny. Anyway, that relationship didn’t end well. Well, you know. You were there, with the handcuffs and all.
So… There’s your confession tape, detective. By the way… nice suit. How tall are you?
Want me to create a custom monologue for you? See the monologues page.
jane on
October 3rd, 2007 at 11:27 am
I just love this! I think that you did it really well and it did come off as something YOU would have written, eventhough the initial idea was started by Jenni!
AshleighReply – Quote
October 9th, 2007 at 9:19 am
Love your comedic monologues for women. Are you writing more?
juneReply – Quote
October 10th, 2007 at 12:17 am
I’m writing other stuff as well, of course, but if anyone gets in touch with a character request, I’ll try to do a monologue for him/her.
screenwriterguyReply – Quote
October 23rd, 2007 at 9:26 pm
Well, here I am…the girl that sang Journey and did a funny monologue about a serial killer for her audition. You have to understand…the musical I was auditioning for was a comedy parody of dance movies (like Dirty Dancing, Lambada, etc.) so it was essential I bring something a little on the quirky side. And boy, was this it! I got a callback and though I didn’t score a roll…it turned out to be because they wanted to cast all ethnic girls (I’m whiter than milk fresh from the teat) but my audition was so great they wanted to see me back anyway. Can’t feel bad about that!
Since that audition, I’ve used the piece again but as a voiceover piece for a radio drama I was reading for. I’ve gotten nothing but positive feedback on it and will hear if I’ve been cast in it by next week. I’ll let you know how it goes!!!
Jenni PowellReply – Quote
January 1st, 2008 at 5:25 am
I’m a senior in highschool and I auditioned for our spring comedy with a (cropped) version of this monologue (they wanted a one-minute monologue; I cut out Jean-Pierre and Steve and it was about one and a half minutes). It went pretty well – it seemed like it was more humorous than ha-ha laugh-out-loud funny, but they said it was a good monologue for me, and I got the female lead. Score.
CeciliaReply – Quote
February 18th, 2008 at 8:47 am
Any new comedic monologues in the works?
JuneReply – Quote
April 29th, 2008 at 11:16 am
You are awesome. As you may have discerned, I had a devil of a time finding a comedy monologue for a recent important audition.
If you ever feel the urge to write a minute or so for a 30-something soccer mom, funny sidekick/neighbor/best friend, or sarcastic divorcee, I’d be immeasurably grateful!
Wry, witty, self-deprecating. I’m thinking a less ethnic Rhoda. A softer, but still sarcastic, Janeane Garofalo. A real woman illustrating her situation with an anecdotal style. Or whatever leaps to mind. You know more about this stuff than I ever will!
Whaddaya think?
Amy SnivelyReply – Quote
May 7th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
This monologue is pure genius! As part of the final exam in my Theatre Arts I class, I have to memorize and perform either a three minute monologue or two one-and-a-half minute monolgoues.
I LOVE both of your comedy female monologues! In fact, I’m kind of stumped about which one to choose. It sounds as if this monologue might be long enough, but I’m not sure. Anyways, thanks for creating such brilliant monologues! It sounds like you’ve received superb feedback, so I’m pretty excited.
Again, thanks!
ToriaReply – Quote
May 9th, 2008 at 6:41 am
Amy,
I have it on good faith that said audition turned out just fine for you.
Will take on your suggestion. Just… not soon.
screenwriterguyReply – Quote
May 25th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Hi there screenwriterguy,
I am directing a variety show in Margaret River, Western Australia in which as the name suggests, we blend many an artform – from clowning, dancing, serious dramatic pieces and a couple of monologues. In the process of looking for a sassy, clever, funny comic monologue for an amazing actress in our troupe, I came to realise that they pretty much don’t exist. Until I came across this one which is all of those things and as funny as hell when you see it performed. First of all, please may we have permission to perform it? I know you’ve said it’s okay but just checking. Secondly, please let me know how you would like to appear in our programme, (as in, just screenwriterguy?) basing the second question of course on the assumption that you say yes to the first one.
Will let you know of any recordings of the show. Thanks!
Nicky
Nicky NolanReply – Quote
September 14th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
What would you name this ?
no name.Reply – Quote
January 12th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Oh my gosh. That’s AMAZING. Honestly, I’d ADORE to see more of your work. I think that was pretty much….awesome. haha
Not Another Teenager!Reply – Quote
January 15th, 2009 at 2:03 am
I just wanted to say thank you! Im totally going to have to use this for an audition this weekend but the requirements were 30-60 sec so I had to cut out some of it. But I just wanted to say thank you, its awesome- Ive never actually had a monologue I liked before
Ali- lafayette, laReply – Quote
January 26th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
This is fantastic. I used this monologue for an audition today and everyone listening was laughing so hard they were crying. I landed the female lead, thanks, I owe it all to you!
AshReply – Quote
January 26th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
@Ash – You owe it to your acting talent! But thanks very much for the feedback, and I’m glad things went well for you.
screenwriterguyReply – Quote
January 31st, 2009 at 6:46 pm
vonderbagh! but not as funny as the first one. xxxxxxxxxxx I mean that in the nicest possible way xxxxxx
Please write some more.
I really hope you could get back to me on the russian monologue asap, as i have to deliver the (your) baby on monday!
victoryious lornarous xxx
vicky lornaReply – Quote
January 31st, 2009 at 7:50 pm
May you be the only woman this weekend planning to deliver my baby next week.
screenwriterguyReply – Quote
February 4th, 2009 at 2:01 am
Babies aside….
I only get 90 seconds to audition…. these puppies are at LEAST 3 mn.
Got anything shorter?
CarolineReply – Quote
February 17th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Hi, i was wondering what you would call this ?
I want to use it for a play audition this weekend, and i was wondering what to tell them that it is from.
Thanks
auditionerReply – Quote
February 20th, 2009 at 7:00 am
I am auditioning today using this monologue. I had to cut some parts because it has to be shorter time length. Im very excited and believe it will turn out well! Thank you very much!
auditionerReply – Quote
March 14th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Hey!!
This is brilliant. I plan on using it for an audition in a few days!!!
THANK YOU
p.s. may i have your name and a title for this piece for when i perform it?
BIGGEST FAN!Reply – Quote
March 18th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
hello!!
I will also be using this for an audition, and I think it’s only necessary that I have your name and the title so that you get credit!
auditionerReply – Quote
April 22nd, 2009 at 2:03 pm
HI!!! Awsome monologue!
I will be usign this for an audition, may I please have a title and your name? I really need them to use these piece. thnks! (:
Val4ever!Reply – Quote
May 14th, 2009 at 11:15 am
LOL
weee-vagReply – Quote
May 16th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
oh goodness!
i saw this, and i laughed for days…
well…errr
not literally.
haha
i reeeeeally wanted to use it.
its hilarious,
but its not from a play
and it must be from a published play
im so disappointed
drama-Reply – Quote
May 22nd, 2009 at 4:54 pm
hey! i loved you monologue! i hope it would be alright to do it for a class that Im taking. i was wondering if I’m allowed to ask the name of the author of this awesome piece? or do i just say “by screenwriterguy.com?” for some reason I don’t think my professor would be to stoked on that seeing that the assignment is to do a piece by a “contemporary american play write.” well thank you very much i love the monologue! its awesome!
AylaReply – Quote
May 26th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Such a great monologue! I love it. It’s just perfectly written. Thank you so much…I’ve been searching for a good one for two days !
CecileReply – Quote
May 28th, 2009 at 3:43 am
Hey thanks a bunch I was looking for a funny monologue and this was PERFECT! it’s genius. I used it to audition for the performing arts school I’ll be attending next year. they said it was a good piece for me and that they could see me as this character. But not in an evil way. It was a lot fun thanks again.
LindsayReply – Quote
June 20th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
I needed a demo reel for an audition and thought this was perfect. It turned out great but I would like to post it on my my-space and facebook page, I would like to know who to give the credit too and if you would like to view it as well. I did change some things like names and ad libed a bit. I even threw in a pair of hand cuffs from an ex-cop I know, which made the peice even better! Oh I named it “The Confession” I hope that was ok? if not I can change it. But please let me know who to make te credit out too, I wouldn’t want to leave it un published as good as it came out. Thanks and keep writing em!!!!
LisaReply – Quote
July 12th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
This is so great, It’s one of the few comedic monolouges I’ve found that comes across believably humorous and overthe top in a more natural way.
I’m definatly keeping it on file as a potential monologue. thanks so much!
AnonymousReply – Quote
July 29th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
I used this monologue in an audition for a play at my high school. We had two audition days, and the first one went really horribly for me, so that night I looked for a fresh monologue, found this one, memorized it and used it the next day in the second audition. It went over really well- people couldn’t stop laughing, and no one else got such a great response for their monologue. I didn’t get into the play this (because of my awful first audition), but I’m really pumped up for next year, because this monologue and the response it got gave me a lot of confidence.
IzziReply – Quote
August 4th, 2009 at 10:44 am
I had the pleasure of meeting screenwriterguy in person last night! What a small world!
Jenni PowellReply – Quote
August 8th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
What a fabulous site. Just read through two years’ worth of posts and saw both of these great monologues. But, I am curious…did you ever take Amy Snively up on her request for the soccer mom/sarcastic divorcee monologue posted on 4/29/08? That describes me to a T and I would love to secure such a piece. Let me know.
Great writing. Keep it up! Thanks.
Brooke BaumerReply – Quote
August 10th, 2009 at 11:00 am
I recently had an audition for a local company’s generals and I got great feedback – its an excellent monologue with a lot of great discoverable moments – I plan to use it again tomorrow for an audition I have – thanks!
Also wondering if you plan to write an more material – would love to have some more well written female monologues in my tool belt!
CrystalReply – Quote
August 22nd, 2009 at 12:08 pm
This is an AWESOME monologue. I would LOVE to use it for an audition I have coming up. I will let you know how it goes! Thanks SO much
CiaraReply – Quote
October 12th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
I came across this today looking for a monologue for a actors showcase I am doing. It is the only monologue I have seen online for a woman that has a beginning a middle and an end. What a novel idea! Thanks for sticking to the basics..I wished it would catch on. I too would love to see more. Thanks so much for sharing.
NancyReply – Quote
November 14th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Great monologue! I have to perform a monologue for my class as an assignment and I’m definietly going to act out this one! Great job on the writing! Thanks!
MichelleReply – Quote
December 11th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
I just loved this!!!! I was searching for a female comedic monologue, and this one is perfect!!!! The only other ones online are cheesy little kid ones, or ones that just don’t pack a punch. But this one was great. You should try writing one for, like, Mrs. Claus or something.
Kat RuizReply – Quote
January 15th, 2010 at 8:15 pm
I’m using this for my audition for The Wizard of Oz at my high school on tuesday…..should be interesting
nicoleReply – Quote
January 15th, 2010 at 10:26 pm
I am 59 and used this for a showcase for my acting class. Thanks so much for posting this.
You could make us all happy and post more…please!
NancyReply – Quote
May 7th, 2010 at 11:13 am
Really nice monologue. I heard this at a cabaret-style performance at my university last week. Very funny. I scoured the internet trying to find exactly where it came from.
– Had everyone in attendance busting their gut laughing.
Thanks for the laughs.
DanReply – Quote
May 21st, 2010 at 1:13 pm
Great work!
Do you think you will write short comedic monologues for women? I need a thirty second monologue, and I’m not sure I can edit this down to that short.
MiraReply – Quote
July 22nd, 2010 at 11:29 am
I kept meaning to post this but would forget. Here is an audition tape I had to send in using your script, thank you so much it was a blast to do and everyone loves it. My mom gets a kick out of it everytime she sees it, she says she keeps having to remember that it’s me because she says “This girl is crazy!”
I hope the link to youtube comes through.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1hgGtD5Fbo
LisaReply – Quote
July 22nd, 2010 at 11:33 am
Oh yeah and I had to add some things to it because I had to make it little longer than 3 minutes.
LisaReply – Quote
August 19th, 2010 at 12:53 am
@Lisa –
what did you add to make it longer?
I need it to be 5min, I can only stretch it to 3min 30sec
Any suggestions?
reneeReply – Quote
September 11th, 2010 at 8:06 pm
I found this monologue and absolutely loved it. I used it to audition for my high school fall play a week ago, and not only did I get a callback but I got one of the main parts. Thanks so much for writing this monologue. (Our play is Alice in Wonderland and I got the part of the White Rabbit) :]
Maddie KReply – Quote
September 26th, 2010 at 9:35 pm
Dude, this is totally awesome. I had to come up with a monologue that was funny, i loved the fact that she was a serial killer! the end was totally witty, so i used it for the upcoming play my school is doing, and landed the lead! thanks dude!
Kat JohnsonReply – Quote
September 27th, 2010 at 2:19 pm
Haha, I’m using this to audition for highschool play!
Wish me luck!
KayJayReply – Quote
October 14th, 2010 at 6:53 am
I used this for my intro to theater class at college.. I bombed for the most part but they all loved the monologue.. I think its very cute and funny
Meagan O’LearyReply – Quote
November 5th, 2010 at 4:44 pm
@Ashleigh –
I love this monologue may i please have your info and the name of this play and etc so you may receive credit for an upcoming audition
GloriaBuenoReply – Quote
January 5th, 2011 at 4:20 pm
so my school is doing the jr version of honk and i am dying to be the cat she is a conniving shy sassy cat that really just wants to eat the main character witch happens to be a duck I am kinda at a loss for a monologue and was wondering if you could help the song im doing is whatever lola wants from damn yankees if that halps if you have any suggestions pleeeese thanks so much
applebootsReply – Quote
November 12th, 2011 at 12:56 pm
Thanks so much! This was perfect!
AnonymousReply – Quote
November 16th, 2011 at 7:36 pm
Thanks a million. I murdered my audition with this piece. Pun intended.
AnonymousReply – Quote
November 18th, 2011 at 10:31 pm
Hey, I used a shortened version of this monologue to audition for God (A Play) by Woody Allen. It went reaaalllly well, and I got a call-back! Unfortunately I didn’t end up getting the role, but they definitely loved the monologue, so thanks!
GwynReply – Quote
December 8th, 2011 at 9:08 am
Just used this one for an audition, it went over well (esp. with the board member of the association
)…callbacks tonight, so fingers crossed.
VReply – Quote
January 3rd, 2012 at 9:32 pm
I just auditioned with this monologue for my school show. Got the lead! Thanks so much!
appreciative college studentReply – Quote
January 23rd, 2012 at 8:41 am
What is your name so I can present this monologue correctly? I want to give credit where it is rightfully due:)
BethReply – Quote
January 23rd, 2012 at 8:47 am
Did you ever find out the name of the author and the title? Thank you! @BIGGEST FAN! – What is your name so I can present this monologue correctly? I want to give credit where it is rightfully due:)
BethReply – Quote